Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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