If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Randomize
