Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
