so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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