you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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