Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
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