Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
