Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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