just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
