You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
You made out with two different species that night
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Randomize
