I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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