I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
