he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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