just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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