I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
