You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
