Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Randomize
