I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I can't turn off my feet"
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
