EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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