Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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