I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
