bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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