My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
