So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
