hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'm always down for nudity.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
