Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
