hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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