you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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