I cut my penus on the lid.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
