I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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