My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
