I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
