Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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