she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
