I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
