Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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