Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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