My sheets look like a crime scene.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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