i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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