I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
