Sry I called you an 8
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
