looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
