I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
