I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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