Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Randomize
