well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
