But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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