i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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