My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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