he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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