I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
