I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
These 31 Gross People Really Put The ‘Trash’ In ‘Trashed’
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
21 Bartenders That Are Definitely Winning At Their Jobs
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?