all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor