she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
