Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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