I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
