Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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